You know what the cure for clingyness is? Closeness

...and Honesty

I need to get some writing done, too bad my main writing project at the time is inspired by her >_< shit happens...and it happens all at once

I also miss the heartfelt cheesiness...it was really quite amazing

I miss having someone to text

In my eternal quest to escape loneliness, I often push away those that got closest. Is that how I survive? Or why I always feel so close to the end...

I can hear the goddamn dryer, and with every rotation (that it makes in less than a second) it shakes one of the walls and part of the ceiling in my room. It's going to be hard to sleep tonight, but who knows why...

Streetlight

I stood in the glow of the lonely streetlight, staring into the distance, almost expecting something to show its face in the darkness. The slab of concrete felt cold beneath my feet. At the edge of my small sanctuary of electric light the shadows reached towards me, keeping me in the center of the yellowish circle. I felt such a fool for dismissing all prior warnings to paranoia, tiredness, and my mind playing tricks on me. It would have been quite simple to avoid my current situation had I known to look beneath the surface of the everyday and mundane.

What an amazing past few days. Even though what will probably be the end is a constant looming uncertainty on the horizon...I don't care. These moments are to special and too amazing to let anything stop me from enjoying them.

/thought complete

Derailed

I was going to get some drawing (with my new Wacom tablet) done and maybe finally get a decent amount of cosmic horror writing done (became inspired earlier), but my mental faculties are now wholly occupied by negativity.

/thought incomplete

Am I paranoid? Or am I just good at seeing and understanding what people try to hide? Am I un-trusting? Or just insightful? Either way, I can't help this horrible feeling inside of me.

/thought incomplete

It's hard for me to let go of my attachments and unnecessary desires when I'm such a hopeless romantic

Becoming

Is this feeling acceptance of my situation and the clearing of my own perceptions? Or is it just apathy...

Over the past few years I've spent a lot of my time doing what could be described as "soul-searching". I've switched religions, fought against the views of others, and fought against my own views. Up till recently is was a fight between Buddhism and Christianity. I thought that I could handle Christianity if I separated it from "organized-religion" and all its negative parts. Maybe if I really tried to turn it into a relationship and not a religion, it could work. Surprise, that didn't happen. So as a Zen Buddhist, my problem lies with the existence of this "person" commonly referred to as "god". Long ago I decided that, due to some instinctual feeling, I believe "god" to be a woman, or female. Perhaps "god" is genderless ("Why must I engender divinity."-Saul Williams) and his/her gender is up to personal interpretation. I prefer things to be open to interpretation, my beliefs are no more or less valid than anyone else's. I also believe that "god" is "in us" or is us, is a part of us. Not that conscience bullshit, something a little deeper and not as easily explained.

Anyway, for some reason, there are a few things that tend to come up when speaking of religion. First...creation. "How do YOU think the world came to be?" and my answer is and probably always will be, "Don't know, don't care." Seriously, why should that be such a big deal? It doesn't have any effect on our day to day and doesn't make the world a better or worse place. Shouldn't we be more concerned with "more important things"?

Anywho, I digress. And also, I've forgotten what the second thing is that I was going to talk about. I'm sure it'll come back to me sometime later, and I'll be sure to blog about it then. But back to the whole "god" thing, and tying it in to my position on "creation". Sure I have viewpoints and opinions on "god", but in all honesty, other than my occasional bout of spiritualness...I don't really care about "god". Once again, aren't there more important things we could be fighting about? Or could we just stop fighting? (I know that's too much to ask for)

But yeah, that's all from me...my thoughts are weird thoughts. Love, Kenneth

P.s. My...thumb...hurts

/thought incomplete

And it's been a few more days since I've posted. I don't like the way I'm acting or the way my life is going at the moment. I'm being clingy and I hate it when I do that. Don't think anyone likes it when I'm clingy.

On a side note, I went with Prescient Bard, which makes a badass leader class. But I'm also working on a Lovecraftian campaign entirely of my own design. I think it has potential if I can keep the good ideas flowing. I'll have to reread a few Lovecraft stories though and get around to reading The Dunwich Horror for the first time.

/thought complete

It's been awhile since I've posted...been busy with stuff (D&D, hanging with people...yardwork). My creative mind also seems to have flatlined. I think I need to do some more reading. I just kind of feel like being lazy though...I just want to lay around, just hang and not have to do anything.

On a side note, Tiefling Psions WOULD be badass if there was more content for them. I'm now trying to decide between two different Bard builds for my next character.

/thought complete

No real thoughts for today, other than "my dad's an asshole"

/thought complete

Decided to try Buddhism again, maybe now I'll be able to get back to myself (though my self is an illusion :P) haha

Good use of imagination

Had a good session of D&D last night, and I didn't have to DM. Despite the usual lack of RP, the campaign isn't so demanding of us and doesn't force is to portray certain characters (unlike any campaign I DM). I think the apparent lack of RP will encourage everyone to do it more freely, might be good for the group. And I always prefer playing to DMing. DMing is just a job I have to do sometimes.

On a side note, Tiefling Psions are badass.

/thought complete

Getting some good writing done

I had seen the thing, that horrid, wretched thing, and it had changed my life. Or rather, it had ended my previous, ignorant life. No longer am I able to go about, seeing the good that people do and allowing it to make me believe that the world is a good place. I know better now. Humanity has no effect on this world, and even less an effect on the universe, and whether it is good or evil. Even our perceptions of good and evil are meaningless. They are but words we have invented that aid us in pretending we understand, pretending we can control.

/thought incomplete

Perhaps I should try writing outside, sitting at my computer isn't getting much done. Random thought, have I disgraced my blog by turning it into a mini-blog? Isn't that what Twitter is for? Oh dear...

/thought incomplete