Only Paranoia...Right?

Famous composer Arnold Schoenberg (1874-1951) had what is quite uncommonly referred to as triskaidekaphobia, and more commonly known as a fear of the number 13. He did everything in his power to avoid any association with the number, even taking an "a" out of the name Aaron for the title of his opera, Moses and Aron so it would contain less than 13 letters. The strangest, and possibly unnerving part of this short story, is that Arnold Shoenberg died on Friday the 13th, June, 1951 at the age of 76. What's so unnatural about that? Sure he died on Firday the 13th, but look closer...add some of the numbers up.

June=6
1951=1+9+5+1=16=1+6=7
7+6=13

and now, quite obviously, his age

76=7+6=13

13, 13, 13

Is it really possible to dismiss something like that as just sheer coincidence? Perhaps his fear was founded after all. Maybe Arnold Schoenberg was one of the unlucky few who was able to put together that which is commonly dismissed and, with his knowledge, see beyond the veil of our reality into the madness that could lay just beneath. Or maybe he was just crazy, and the circumstance of his death no more than a coincidence.

Late Last Night...

While up late last night, laying in my bed with the lights off and the computer on, I had an unnerving experience. I had been online for a few hours conversing with various individuals. My fan was on all the way up, as it had been rather hot, but nothing in my room was moved or ruffled and there was nothing loose in my room which could've been.

But then quite suddenly I heard a noise, like movement in my room. Simultaneously, I felt as if I were being watched, or as if there were someone standing just outside my door. I quickly looked around my room to see if, by some off chance, I might've missed someone entering my room and moving around in my dark room (which was somewhat illuminated by my computer screen). After my quick look-around, I returned my eyes to the screen of my computer.

It was at this point the feeling washed over me again, and I heard another sound that resembled a whooshing. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something float or fly or be blown through the air in my room from near my top bunk to my door, a good distance for something to move. Of course this is where some people would doubt my abilities of perception at such a late time (somewhere around 12ish I think), but as soon as I caught sight of the thing in my peripheral I turned and focused my attention on it. I quite clearly saw what appeared to be a wispy, slow moving, pale-colored, baby blanket-sized sheet like thing moving through my room.

My first reaction was to assume it was my vision, but when it remained visible after I blinked I thought that perhaps some old, mostly deflated balloons that for some reason or another haunt a corner of my room near the end of my bed and often give me such a start when it is dark. But I quite clearly heard and then saw them, still in their usual spot, tied to the ladder on that end of my bed. It was true, the fan was causing them to make a slight noise, but it was very distinctly a different sound then the other one I was also hearing.

The "wispy thing" then faded out of sight as I returned to stare at it. And by faded I quite literally mean faded. It did not simply disappear while out of sight or in the corner of my eye. It did not vanish suddenly, it just faded as it reached my door until I could see it no longer.

Of course my first course of action after its disappearance was to leap up from my bed and move towards my door. As I did so I once again searched my room for any explanation. When I reached my door I opened it and searched the hallway for any sign of, well, anything. When my search was unsuccessful I closed my door an turned on the lights in my fan. I then proceeded to search my top bunk, the floor, underneath my bed, and all four corners of my room for anything that might have been the cause of the thing I had seen.

After a few minutes of search and thought, I returned to communication with those individuals I had previously been chatting with, saying nothing of what I thought I had just experienced. I tried to write it off as a sort of waking dream experience brought about by weariness, but I had recently consumed a rather sugary soda and did not retire until many hours later (around 3:13 am I believe, I remember because I had to plug in my phone due to its being knocked loose from the wall charger).

When I awoke I remembered a dream or two I had, and almost immediately thought to compare the way they felt to my experience earlier in the night. I think everyone can usually tell with certain ease, the difference between the way things feel in dreams and in reality. I know that I often see things from a 3rd person perspective in my own dreams, looking upon myself and others as they play out. But I very assuredly remembered my "experience" from the view of my own two eyes.

I'm not claiming that what happened to me was anything specific, in fact I am at a total loss as to what it could have been other than some dream-like experience. But it seems and feels quite apparent that it was not that. As time goes on it may seem more or less one way or the other, but until then...I would rather not dismiss it so readily.

If any of my readers have any input, ideas, or suggestions they are all welcome, whether cynical or supportive.

Genius Instruction Manual

Bought this great book called *see title*. It's got lots of random information and history to learn that supposedly makes you seem smarter in conversation. At the least, it's "perfect for knowledge junkies", which I happen to be.

The Lake

There will always be those simple things or ideas that fill each of us with dread. To others they seem inconsequential, not menacing in the least. On the surface they may even seem that way to us, but just below the surface lurks something that provokes an ancient and inexplicable terror. The kind that expresses itself in nightmares and quickened heartbeats, waking you up in dark of the night just to remind you that even when in the waking world nothing can shelter you from those primal feelings. Of course, when I speak of this it is quite apparent I make reference to my own experience. Unlike the majority, however, I have discovered my terror to be more than an unexplainable feeling. I have discovered my fears to be founded, and this has increased them tenfold, skewing my perceptions in a darker direction. Since those days in which my horrifying discovery took place, I have been unable to so much as entertain the idea of going near any body of water. The oceans, seas, lakes, and rivers of the world are all forbidden to me now by that survival instinct rooted deep within us all. I often wonder why my dread is not shared by all, but I suppose if the world felt as I do it would cease to exist in its current state. It seems ignorance is for the best, and it is because of this that I have failed to speak of these events prior to the current time. But these dark secrets eat away at what sanity I have left. My survival instinct once again drives my actions, and it now pushes me to divulge, to anyone and everyone who will listen, the history and events of the days leading up to the loss of my ignorance and what occurred that brought about that loss.

Thank you to my new followers, I'll try to make this more interesting...promise :P

You know what the cure for clingyness is? Closeness

...and Honesty

I need to get some writing done, too bad my main writing project at the time is inspired by her >_< shit happens...and it happens all at once

I also miss the heartfelt cheesiness...it was really quite amazing

I miss having someone to text

In my eternal quest to escape loneliness, I often push away those that got closest. Is that how I survive? Or why I always feel so close to the end...

I can hear the goddamn dryer, and with every rotation (that it makes in less than a second) it shakes one of the walls and part of the ceiling in my room. It's going to be hard to sleep tonight, but who knows why...

Streetlight

I stood in the glow of the lonely streetlight, staring into the distance, almost expecting something to show its face in the darkness. The slab of concrete felt cold beneath my feet. At the edge of my small sanctuary of electric light the shadows reached towards me, keeping me in the center of the yellowish circle. I felt such a fool for dismissing all prior warnings to paranoia, tiredness, and my mind playing tricks on me. It would have been quite simple to avoid my current situation had I known to look beneath the surface of the everyday and mundane.

What an amazing past few days. Even though what will probably be the end is a constant looming uncertainty on the horizon...I don't care. These moments are to special and too amazing to let anything stop me from enjoying them.

/thought complete

Derailed

I was going to get some drawing (with my new Wacom tablet) done and maybe finally get a decent amount of cosmic horror writing done (became inspired earlier), but my mental faculties are now wholly occupied by negativity.

/thought incomplete

Am I paranoid? Or am I just good at seeing and understanding what people try to hide? Am I un-trusting? Or just insightful? Either way, I can't help this horrible feeling inside of me.

/thought incomplete

It's hard for me to let go of my attachments and unnecessary desires when I'm such a hopeless romantic

Becoming

Is this feeling acceptance of my situation and the clearing of my own perceptions? Or is it just apathy...

Over the past few years I've spent a lot of my time doing what could be described as "soul-searching". I've switched religions, fought against the views of others, and fought against my own views. Up till recently is was a fight between Buddhism and Christianity. I thought that I could handle Christianity if I separated it from "organized-religion" and all its negative parts. Maybe if I really tried to turn it into a relationship and not a religion, it could work. Surprise, that didn't happen. So as a Zen Buddhist, my problem lies with the existence of this "person" commonly referred to as "god". Long ago I decided that, due to some instinctual feeling, I believe "god" to be a woman, or female. Perhaps "god" is genderless ("Why must I engender divinity."-Saul Williams) and his/her gender is up to personal interpretation. I prefer things to be open to interpretation, my beliefs are no more or less valid than anyone else's. I also believe that "god" is "in us" or is us, is a part of us. Not that conscience bullshit, something a little deeper and not as easily explained.

Anyway, for some reason, there are a few things that tend to come up when speaking of religion. First...creation. "How do YOU think the world came to be?" and my answer is and probably always will be, "Don't know, don't care." Seriously, why should that be such a big deal? It doesn't have any effect on our day to day and doesn't make the world a better or worse place. Shouldn't we be more concerned with "more important things"?

Anywho, I digress. And also, I've forgotten what the second thing is that I was going to talk about. I'm sure it'll come back to me sometime later, and I'll be sure to blog about it then. But back to the whole "god" thing, and tying it in to my position on "creation". Sure I have viewpoints and opinions on "god", but in all honesty, other than my occasional bout of spiritualness...I don't really care about "god". Once again, aren't there more important things we could be fighting about? Or could we just stop fighting? (I know that's too much to ask for)

But yeah, that's all from me...my thoughts are weird thoughts. Love, Kenneth

P.s. My...thumb...hurts

/thought incomplete

And it's been a few more days since I've posted. I don't like the way I'm acting or the way my life is going at the moment. I'm being clingy and I hate it when I do that. Don't think anyone likes it when I'm clingy.

On a side note, I went with Prescient Bard, which makes a badass leader class. But I'm also working on a Lovecraftian campaign entirely of my own design. I think it has potential if I can keep the good ideas flowing. I'll have to reread a few Lovecraft stories though and get around to reading The Dunwich Horror for the first time.

/thought complete

It's been awhile since I've posted...been busy with stuff (D&D, hanging with people...yardwork). My creative mind also seems to have flatlined. I think I need to do some more reading. I just kind of feel like being lazy though...I just want to lay around, just hang and not have to do anything.

On a side note, Tiefling Psions WOULD be badass if there was more content for them. I'm now trying to decide between two different Bard builds for my next character.

/thought complete