Monday, August 31, 2009

Only Paranoia...Right?

Famous composer Arnold Schoenberg (1874-1951) had what is quite uncommonly referred to as triskaidekaphobia, and more commonly known as a fear of the number 13. He did everything in his power to avoid any association with the number, even taking an "a" out of the name Aaron for the title of his opera, Moses and Aron so it would contain less than 13 letters. The strangest, and possibly unnerving part of this short story, is that Arnold Shoenberg died on Friday the 13th, June, 1951 at the age of 76. What's so unnatural about that? Sure he died on Firday the 13th, but look closer...add some of the numbers up.


and now, quite obviously, his age


13, 13, 13

Is it really possible to dismiss something like that as just sheer coincidence? Perhaps his fear was founded after all. Maybe Arnold Schoenberg was one of the unlucky few who was able to put together that which is commonly dismissed and, with his knowledge, see beyond the veil of our reality into the madness that could lay just beneath. Or maybe he was just crazy, and the circumstance of his death no more than a coincidence.

Late Last Night...

While up late last night, laying in my bed with the lights off and the computer on, I had an unnerving experience. I had been online for a few hours conversing with various individuals. My fan was on all the way up, as it had been rather hot, but nothing in my room was moved or ruffled and there was nothing loose in my room which could've been.

But then quite suddenly I heard a noise, like movement in my room. Simultaneously, I felt as if I were being watched, or as if there were someone standing just outside my door. I quickly looked around my room to see if, by some off chance, I might've missed someone entering my room and moving around in my dark room (which was somewhat illuminated by my computer screen). After my quick look-around, I returned my eyes to the screen of my computer.

It was at this point the feeling washed over me again, and I heard another sound that resembled a whooshing. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something float or fly or be blown through the air in my room from near my top bunk to my door, a good distance for something to move. Of course this is where some people would doubt my abilities of perception at such a late time (somewhere around 12ish I think), but as soon as I caught sight of the thing in my peripheral I turned and focused my attention on it. I quite clearly saw what appeared to be a wispy, slow moving, pale-colored, baby blanket-sized sheet like thing moving through my room.

My first reaction was to assume it was my vision, but when it remained visible after I blinked I thought that perhaps some old, mostly deflated balloons that for some reason or another haunt a corner of my room near the end of my bed and often give me such a start when it is dark. But I quite clearly heard and then saw them, still in their usual spot, tied to the ladder on that end of my bed. It was true, the fan was causing them to make a slight noise, but it was very distinctly a different sound then the other one I was also hearing.

The "wispy thing" then faded out of sight as I returned to stare at it. And by faded I quite literally mean faded. It did not simply disappear while out of sight or in the corner of my eye. It did not vanish suddenly, it just faded as it reached my door until I could see it no longer.

Of course my first course of action after its disappearance was to leap up from my bed and move towards my door. As I did so I once again searched my room for any explanation. When I reached my door I opened it and searched the hallway for any sign of, well, anything. When my search was unsuccessful I closed my door an turned on the lights in my fan. I then proceeded to search my top bunk, the floor, underneath my bed, and all four corners of my room for anything that might have been the cause of the thing I had seen.

After a few minutes of search and thought, I returned to communication with those individuals I had previously been chatting with, saying nothing of what I thought I had just experienced. I tried to write it off as a sort of waking dream experience brought about by weariness, but I had recently consumed a rather sugary soda and did not retire until many hours later (around 3:13 am I believe, I remember because I had to plug in my phone due to its being knocked loose from the wall charger).

When I awoke I remembered a dream or two I had, and almost immediately thought to compare the way they felt to my experience earlier in the night. I think everyone can usually tell with certain ease, the difference between the way things feel in dreams and in reality. I know that I often see things from a 3rd person perspective in my own dreams, looking upon myself and others as they play out. But I very assuredly remembered my "experience" from the view of my own two eyes.

I'm not claiming that what happened to me was anything specific, in fact I am at a total loss as to what it could have been other than some dream-like experience. But it seems and feels quite apparent that it was not that. As time goes on it may seem more or less one way or the other, but until then...I would rather not dismiss it so readily.

If any of my readers have any input, ideas, or suggestions they are all welcome, whether cynical or supportive.

Genius Instruction Manual

Bought this great book called *see title*. It's got lots of random information and history to learn that supposedly makes you seem smarter in conversation. At the least, it's "perfect for knowledge junkies", which I happen to be.

The Lake

There will always be those simple things or ideas that fill each of us with dread. To others they seem inconsequential, not menacing in the least. On the surface they may even seem that way to us, but just below the surface lurks something that provokes an ancient and inexplicable terror. The kind that expresses itself in nightmares and quickened heartbeats, waking you up in dark of the night just to remind you that even when in the waking world nothing can shelter you from those primal feelings. Of course, when I speak of this it is quite apparent I make reference to my own experience. Unlike the majority, however, I have discovered my terror to be more than an unexplainable feeling. I have discovered my fears to be founded, and this has increased them tenfold, skewing my perceptions in a darker direction. Since those days in which my horrifying discovery took place, I have been unable to so much as entertain the idea of going near any body of water. The oceans, seas, lakes, and rivers of the world are all forbidden to me now by that survival instinct rooted deep within us all. I often wonder why my dread is not shared by all, but I suppose if the world felt as I do it would cease to exist in its current state. It seems ignorance is for the best, and it is because of this that I have failed to speak of these events prior to the current time. But these dark secrets eat away at what sanity I have left. My survival instinct once again drives my actions, and it now pushes me to divulge, to anyone and everyone who will listen, the history and events of the days leading up to the loss of my ignorance and what occurred that brought about that loss.
Thank you to my new followers, I'll try to make this more interesting...promise :P

Sunday, August 30, 2009

You know what the cure for clingyness is? Closeness

...and Honesty

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I need to get some writing done, too bad my main writing project at the time is inspired by her >_< shit happens...and it happens all at once

Friday, August 28, 2009

I also miss the heartfelt was really quite amazing
I miss having someone to text
In my eternal quest to escape loneliness, I often push away those that got closest. Is that how I survive? Or why I always feel so close to the end...

Monday, August 24, 2009

I can hear the goddamn dryer, and with every rotation (that it makes in less than a second) it shakes one of the walls and part of the ceiling in my room. It's going to be hard to sleep tonight, but who knows why...


I stood in the glow of the lonely streetlight, staring into the distance, almost expecting something to show its face in the darkness. The slab of concrete felt cold beneath my feet. At the edge of my small sanctuary of electric light the shadows reached towards me, keeping me in the center of the yellowish circle. I felt such a fool for dismissing all prior warnings to paranoia, tiredness, and my mind playing tricks on me. It would have been quite simple to avoid my current situation had I known to look beneath the surface of the everyday and mundane.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

What an amazing past few days. Even though what will probably be the end is a constant looming uncertainty on the horizon...I don't care. These moments are to special and too amazing to let anything stop me from enjoying them.

/thought complete