Derailed

I was going to get some drawing (with my new Wacom tablet) done and maybe finally get a decent amount of cosmic horror writing done (became inspired earlier), but my mental faculties are now wholly occupied by negativity.

/thought incomplete

Am I paranoid? Or am I just good at seeing and understanding what people try to hide? Am I un-trusting? Or just insightful? Either way, I can't help this horrible feeling inside of me.

/thought incomplete

It's hard for me to let go of my attachments and unnecessary desires when I'm such a hopeless romantic

Becoming

Is this feeling acceptance of my situation and the clearing of my own perceptions? Or is it just apathy...

Over the past few years I've spent a lot of my time doing what could be described as "soul-searching". I've switched religions, fought against the views of others, and fought against my own views. Up till recently is was a fight between Buddhism and Christianity. I thought that I could handle Christianity if I separated it from "organized-religion" and all its negative parts. Maybe if I really tried to turn it into a relationship and not a religion, it could work. Surprise, that didn't happen. So as a Zen Buddhist, my problem lies with the existence of this "person" commonly referred to as "god". Long ago I decided that, due to some instinctual feeling, I believe "god" to be a woman, or female. Perhaps "god" is genderless ("Why must I engender divinity."-Saul Williams) and his/her gender is up to personal interpretation. I prefer things to be open to interpretation, my beliefs are no more or less valid than anyone else's. I also believe that "god" is "in us" or is us, is a part of us. Not that conscience bullshit, something a little deeper and not as easily explained.

Anyway, for some reason, there are a few things that tend to come up when speaking of religion. First...creation. "How do YOU think the world came to be?" and my answer is and probably always will be, "Don't know, don't care." Seriously, why should that be such a big deal? It doesn't have any effect on our day to day and doesn't make the world a better or worse place. Shouldn't we be more concerned with "more important things"?

Anywho, I digress. And also, I've forgotten what the second thing is that I was going to talk about. I'm sure it'll come back to me sometime later, and I'll be sure to blog about it then. But back to the whole "god" thing, and tying it in to my position on "creation". Sure I have viewpoints and opinions on "god", but in all honesty, other than my occasional bout of spiritualness...I don't really care about "god". Once again, aren't there more important things we could be fighting about? Or could we just stop fighting? (I know that's too much to ask for)

But yeah, that's all from me...my thoughts are weird thoughts. Love, Kenneth

P.s. My...thumb...hurts

/thought incomplete

And it's been a few more days since I've posted. I don't like the way I'm acting or the way my life is going at the moment. I'm being clingy and I hate it when I do that. Don't think anyone likes it when I'm clingy.

On a side note, I went with Prescient Bard, which makes a badass leader class. But I'm also working on a Lovecraftian campaign entirely of my own design. I think it has potential if I can keep the good ideas flowing. I'll have to reread a few Lovecraft stories though and get around to reading The Dunwich Horror for the first time.

/thought complete

It's been awhile since I've posted...been busy with stuff (D&D, hanging with people...yardwork). My creative mind also seems to have flatlined. I think I need to do some more reading. I just kind of feel like being lazy though...I just want to lay around, just hang and not have to do anything.

On a side note, Tiefling Psions WOULD be badass if there was more content for them. I'm now trying to decide between two different Bard builds for my next character.

/thought complete

No real thoughts for today, other than "my dad's an asshole"

/thought complete

Decided to try Buddhism again, maybe now I'll be able to get back to myself (though my self is an illusion :P) haha

Good use of imagination

Had a good session of D&D last night, and I didn't have to DM. Despite the usual lack of RP, the campaign isn't so demanding of us and doesn't force is to portray certain characters (unlike any campaign I DM). I think the apparent lack of RP will encourage everyone to do it more freely, might be good for the group. And I always prefer playing to DMing. DMing is just a job I have to do sometimes.

On a side note, Tiefling Psions are badass.

/thought complete

Getting some good writing done

I had seen the thing, that horrid, wretched thing, and it had changed my life. Or rather, it had ended my previous, ignorant life. No longer am I able to go about, seeing the good that people do and allowing it to make me believe that the world is a good place. I know better now. Humanity has no effect on this world, and even less an effect on the universe, and whether it is good or evil. Even our perceptions of good and evil are meaningless. They are but words we have invented that aid us in pretending we understand, pretending we can control.

/thought incomplete

Perhaps I should try writing outside, sitting at my computer isn't getting much done. Random thought, have I disgraced my blog by turning it into a mini-blog? Isn't that what Twitter is for? Oh dear...

/thought incomplete

If anyone reading this (hah, like I actually have any readers) has had any interesting dreams lately, I would love to hear/read about them. If you'd like, you could just post them in the comments or whatever :P thanks

/thought complete

Due to my recent fascination with dreams, I've done some research on how to induce dreams and how to remember them. Going to start writing them down in a journal (the one I usually reserve for my fiction writing). Can't wait to get to sleep tonight, maybe I'll finally get some inspiration for my writing.
/thought complete

I can't keep any of my stories going, idk what's wrong with me. I can't keep one idea going for more than a few minutes.
/thought incomplete

Just got an idea for a story I might actually be able to write. I'm ashamed to say it's partially influenced by a D&D character I made earlier today. Glad to say it's partially influenced by an H.P. Lovecraft story (for which this blog is named).

I think I've stopped using Twitter so much because I have more than 140 characters worth of thoughts and I'm tired of shortening them...still use it though XP

More unfinished writing

I lay in my bed, dreaming. But I am not laying in my bed, for I am dreaming. And in my dreams, in this other reality that is just as real as the one I experience while I am awake, I spend my nights on a ship unlike any I have ever seen in my waking hours. It is a grand ship crafted by unknown hands with wood from the forests of Shuggath. It sails the indigo seas of Jenttha, past the shining Dkun mountains. By now you surely think I am insane, but let me assure you that I am not. I am simply a veteran of the strange dreamworld to which a certain few dreamers manage to reach. I have been lucky enough to visit the dreamland enough times to become familiar with it and some of its inhabitants. Or perhaps I have been favored by some unknown being of immense influence.

/thought incomplete

Random unfinished writing

Let me begin this by telling you that my childhood was entirely unremarkable. Why should you care about my childhood? Why tell you this? I want you to know this fact about me so that when I tell you my story, you won't make the mistake of thinking that these events could only happen to me. I don't want you to make the mistake of thinking this is something about me, something special or out of the ordinary that caused these unnatural things to occur. What happened to me can happen to you. Don't be afraid though. I'm not trying to scare you, I just want you to be prepared. But enough of my rambling, let me begin my story.

/thought incomplete

Note that my writing hasn't been going so well...I'm too lonely to be able to think well. I need some entertainment. Maybe another movie?

/thought complete

Martian Child

I think someday I'll end up that lonely single guy with nothing but a job and a nice little house.

I think someday I'll end up adopting a kid, probably a boy. I can see that. I want to be a dad, and I think (and have been told) that I would make a good father. So despite my probable life as a bachelor, I will still end up a dad.

/thought complete

Lie to Me

Are any of you really aware of other's emotions? Do you know almost exactly how they're feeling about you? What they think of what you say? And, possibly most importantly, when they're lying to you?

I don't want to seem like I'm bragging, or talking about some awesome talent I have. I'm not. Sometimes I really like being able to know all these things, well pretty often actually. But there are just as many times (possibly more) when I wish I had no clue what the hell was going on. Ignorance is bliss, right? It's an odd feeling to know that you know something someone else thinks they're hiding from you. And a lot of times I try to ignore what I see to keep conversations...normal? Eh, I'm rambling, I'll pick this back up later.

/thought incomplete

Ever realize you're someone else? It hits you all at once, you know why you're different, what made you change. And all this right when someone else needs the old you.

I need a cigarette.

/thought complete

So many different ideas for a horror novel, so few I can manage to keep interest in

/thought complete

I think I might actually get to writing some "cosmic horror" today...and pizza is coming, which will certainly help

/thought complete

Got that bullshit with my signature fixed...Verizon doesn't pay me to advertise for them...and I don't like them anyway

/thought complete

Why do people seem to think that prohibition works? Remember when they tried that shit with alcohol? Doesn't work with weed, won't work with tobacco. It's my own damn body, it's my problem and if it should be my choice to fuck it up. I want my cloves :(
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Telling the truth is easy, coming up with lies is hard. The only time lying is easier is when you've already come up with a good lie
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

So I discovered the problem with posting by txt msg from my BlackBerry...limited txt msg size. Let's see if this will work better. So today I've been thinking about writing, but haven't gotten any writing done. Instead, I think I'll just read some H.P. Lovecraft (possibly my favorite author ever).

/thought complete
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Hello ladies and gentlemen. I told myself I wouldn't do another pointless blog full of my thoughts...but I couldn't resist. So get ready you...for...me?