I Am Bitter

I am not Buddhist. The best I can manage is the occasional hypocritical bit of philosophy about how we shouldn’t judge others or their choices or beliefs. Our beliefs are our own. But mind and body do not coincide, word and action are not one and the same. Who I am is my business, and who you are is your business. Of course, that doesn’t mean I won’t tell you how fucked up I think you are. You are fucked up, I guarantee it. There is no one righteous, no not one. And negative actions have negative consequences.

Despite my apparent disgust with my own actions, I am not apologizing. Instead I embrace self-loathing. I am an asshole, yet I am intelligent and caring. I am intelligent and caring, yet I am an asshole. This is where I should say something like “take it or leave it, bitches”, but that seems so arrogant. It’s as if I were saying that I am better than you if you don’t accept it, and if you do accept it you’re my punching bag, my bitch.

Prick, Asshole, Douchebag, Fuck, what’s the difference? I haven’t been called a Fuck, that’s really the only real difference, besides the spelling, pronunciation, linguistic origins, social acceptance, etc. I like to try to differentiate them, give them different meanings with slight nuances only a true wordsmith like myself would understand. One more thing to be right about. Another chance to have a discussion where I shout “Fuck” for no real reason other than the fact that I like the way it feels to say it.

If I am not Buddhist, as I tell the world, what am I? I am not angry. I am bitter. How do I know this? No, it’s not because you said so. It’s not because a friend pointed it out to me and their wisdom caused me to realize this about myself. If you have said any of this about me, you’re still an asshole and you’re still wrong. You can still go fuck yourself. I don’t mean to offend, it’s just a figure of speech.

What am I? I am Bitter. It is the subconscious philosophy by which I live my life. I don’t express my opinions and ask others to do the same so I can segue to a series of personal attacks against them based on their possibly opposing viewpoint. Having said that, I tend to spend my days on the edge. Whether it’s due to my current life situation built of a series of failures and disappointments, or just my nature, I’m only words away from hopeless romantic or bitter asshole. If I need to explain how this relates, you should stop reading this now and try participating in something that might please your fellow man, like banging your head against a wall till you pass out, or blowing your fellow man, he tends to enjoy that. And for fuck’s sake remember to rubber up if you engage the opposite sex, we don’t want you reproducing and prolonging the life of the idiocy gene.

Returning to the previous topic, I am Bitter. I don’t hate your god, or your religion, but for some reason I don’t want to hear about him. I don’t want him to bless me. I don’t want to sit around and bow my head while you converse with your imaginary friend. If there is a god, he’s even more of a slacker than I am, and I’m not quite sure why you’d want to thank him for fuckin around for eternity. I’m jealous, no one thanks me. At least I provide a sometimes entertaining conversation to various persons. And I’ve also provided a few other services that I guarantee your god can’t provide, but I won’t discuss those. I’m not a fucking animal (yes, I’m looking at you, frat boys).

I am Bitter. Families bother me, not the people in them, but the unit as a whole, the control they seem to exercise, the harm they cause. Let people be fucking individuals. I think that’s basically all I have to say on that subject.

I am Bitter from years of being fucked over by girls, being lied to by friends, and being blown off and ignored by everyone else. I know you probably hate me by now, if you’ve even managed to make it this far into my spiel. But as some other douchebag said (and I’m paraphrasing), “Don’t screw with me, if you have an opinion then fucking express it, unless you like being a bitch.” I don’t know who said something similar to that, maybe it was in a dream, or maybe I said it. The point is, the only reason you all get along so well in your safe little circle of pricks is because you’re all a bunch of liars. You tell each other what you think they want to hear with the occasional bit of honesty thrown in for good measure. Maybe you gossip about someone not around or sling the occasional insult. So when I come along and tell you what’s on my mind, your make believe is threatened and you get offended. So you say I’m an asshole. I don’t know if that means I really am an asshole, but what’s the use in denying it. You can try giving me all kinds of different situations that you think are proof against all this, but keep that shit to yourselves, I don’t have all the answers.

For the record, I am Bitter, but at least I’m honest, and I won’t be apologizing any time soon. These thoughts are to be continued, perhaps in a blog, or maybe in a story. I feel I may soon find my Satori.